Once upon a time there was a frog that changed into a handsome prince when kissed by a beautiful princess with an hourglass shape and a three-hundred dollar weave. The beautiful princess fell madly in love with the handsome prince, but here our story only begins. You see she (the beautiful princess) was in love with him (the kissed-frog-turned-handsome-prince), but he was still very much inclined toward frogs. Whenever they made love he always insisted it be in the royal bathtub, and afterward he would just light up a smoke, lean back and go, “Ribbit ribbit ribbit.” This made the beautiful princess very sad.

So she went to the royal alchemist and ordered him to change her into a frog so the handsome prince would pay more attention to her. The royal alchemist went to a shelf, took several jars of powder, mixed them together, poured some Gator Aid and some Mountain Dew on top, stirred it up, popped it in a microwave on high for three minutes, and gave it to her to drink. It smelled like a five day old Bick Mack that had been hidden under a funky armpit too long. She held her nose and gulped it down. As she swooned, she heard the alchemist say, “Who dat say who dat when I say who dat?” Then she farted and changed into a large green frog. The large green frog said, “Ribbit ribbit ribit…ribbit rib…bit,” which is frog for, “Gee I didn’t think you could do it. Thanks. Got’ta go now. See ya.” And she hurried off to meet the handsome prince and tell him the good news.

But as she hopped along the palace corridor the court jester caught her, and gained some points with the palace cook, by allowing the palace cook to gain some points with the king, by serving the king’s favorite dish: fried frog legs with collard greens hot water cornbread, and French fries on the side.

But our story doesn’t end here. One evening, in the woods down by the royal pond, the queen cornered the handsome prince and said, “Hey babe let’s hook up.” He told her he’d rather be with a frog. And she had him committed to Middle Tennessee Mental Health Psychiatric Hospital for an indefinite period of time.

And the moral of this story is: WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE, JUST BE YOURSELF.